Tastes Like Chicken

At the bottom of this entry is a list by Jeff Foxworthy. However, I have my own "The Pacific Northwest According to Brent:"

Your girlfriend doesn't wash her hair or shave her legs.

You are a fan of sub-par sports teams and cheer for the opponents just to make yourself feel good.

Your children are gay.

You work for a company that makes you think you're getting a good deal, but in reality Paul Fink is the only jackass that got one.

Your state is where the DC sniper trained.

You will someday be buried by an eruption and no one outside of the western timezone will give a crap.

You live in a place where major manufacturers move their headquarters away.

You live in a city featured on mugs and t-shirts that say "SeattleSucks.com"

You are such a civic joke you've been arguing about light rail for years and by the time you get it everyone will be gone.

No one is actually born in your town they are all transplants.

You are the worst state in the Union, and the US is considering trading you for Quebec.

You are famous for awful garage bands and grunge rock.

Your music museum looks like someone vomited.

Not even Paul Allen can buy a Superbowl win.

You lost Jason Varitek and Derek Lowe to the Red Sox for let it sink in Heathcliff Slocumb.

In general everybody that doesn't live there would laugh if California fell into the ocean and you got sucked in too.

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy:

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is
not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and
Dutch Bros.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima,
and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while
only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and
"Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind. (I actually went to school with Bob Boring. The town was named after his grandfather Boring.)

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through
the cloud cover.

20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can
actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still
wear your hiking boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones
after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Season (Fall).

30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them.

Tags: Humor

We were down in Williamsburg over New Years and made a stop at the Williamsburg Winery.

I was pleasantly surprised. We didn't really have all that much time to hang out, so we just bought a few bottles and took them home. Last night we broke open the Susan Constant Red, and being the hardcore wine critic that I am, I give it 4 stained teeth out of 5. You really can't beat the price, and it went really well with the pasta. Other than that, I have no feedback, since I have no clue about wines in general.

And here's a random photo of me at Jockey's Ridge just before New Years. I figured you might enjoy seeing my dental work.

Tags: Brent,Drinking,pictures,Williamsburg

When I was a kid I used to hate K-Mart. And their Blue Light Specials. Come to think of it, I still do. Something about the type of people that frequented that store just didn’t make me want to hang out there. Kids that wiped snot on their forearms. Moms that had a big yellow stain on their shirt and smelled like cheese and cigarettes. Cashiers that had really dirty fingernails. Good times.

Then I hated WalMart. But for different reasons. I just always felt like I was getting shafted in there. Same thing with RadioShack. Things on the shelves always looked nice in their packaging, but when you got it home, it was a piece of crap, and I just imagined some southern bumpkin that was the CEO of the company laughing in his trailer – "These people will buy anything made out of plastic!"

And now there’s BJs. This is my wife’s deal. Let’s buy huge quantities of food at low prices from an overcrowded warehouse. Sounds like fun. I will admit that it probably does save us money, but everything else about it is like a little piece of Dante’s Inferno here in New England.

There are the crowds. Of parents and the brats they refuse to control. I remember when I was a kid, if I didn’t shut up and sit still when I was told, my mom would break a wooden spoon on my ass. And that was good. I’m not being facetious. I’d like to thank my mom for turning me into a good person. I think a little corporeal punishment is a good thing. All these liberal hippie assholes that think "time-outs" are a good idea can go suck it. It is a very sad society that we live in where parents have to worry about jail time for spanking their kids in public. Glad I don’t have any – otherwise, I’d be in jail.

So anyway, the lines at BJs are long. Sick long. Long to the point that the DMV looks efficient. So they brought in some self-checkout lines. Ok – a step up. Not too bad. At least I didn’t have to look at the vacant-eyed highschool student checkout person while I was buying my 300 gallons of orange juice.

But it’s just not enough. You should have to pass a basic IQ test before you get in a self-checkout line. I have seen people staring at the screens while it is audibly yelling at them to scan their items, and they stand their scratching their heads. Some people really should not be allowed to leave their house. It got to the point where I had to start sitting in the car while my wife went in to shop. That was my last hope of not becoming enraged on a BJs trip. Until…

Until one day, we’re driving into the parking lot, and as I start to pull into a parking space fairly close to the door, I see out of the corner of my eye, a sign that looks like a handicapped parking sign. So I dutifully start to pull away, and my wife makes the mistake of saying "you couldn’t have parked there anyway – it’s a spot for people with kids."

WHAT???

You are telling yourself – “ha, this guy must be kidding.” Nope. Not at all. Evidently BJs considers having kids equivalent to being in a wheelchair or some other handicap. This would be a pretty funny attitude to have, except for the fact that it is one of the biggest corporate suck moves I have ever seen.

Just the fact that you were able to successfully breed does not entitle you to a good parking spot. Who the hell runs BJs? Probably some Katie Couric wannabe joke of a parent who thinks they are special because they have little brats running around, and everybody wants to see pictures of their middle-aged colons.

Well let me tell you something. Your kids are not special. They do not entitle you to a parking space. They are a drain on my tax dollars. Take your "my brat is an honors student" bumper sticker and shove them. If you are too lazy to walk your kids from a spot farther away, don’t bring them with you. Leave them in your basement with a bowl of water and a diaper – they’ll be fine.

Furthermore, if you really need to be 100 feet closer to the door, you will end up falling down due to exhaustion when you are walking down the quarter mile long isle of shampoo selections they have at BJs anyway. Get some excerise walking from farther away – trust me it will do you and your little brat some good. Maybe it might even tire them out enough so they won’t be distracting you begging for candy while you try to figure out where your credit card goes in the oh so difficult self checkout machine.

So until they make a law against it, I’ll be parking in those spots while my wife goes in, and I’ll be sitting at my car with a sign that says "I don’t have any kids – deal with it", and you can walk in from the other side of the parking lot. I’m not worried. I guess you’ll be too tired to do anything about it since walking so far is such a drain on you.

BJs – your corporation sucks. Get some balls. Stop being politically correct. While parents are spending money on diapers, I’ll be spending my disposable income somewhere else.

Nik says:

Tags: Nik,parents & kids,Stupid